Validation in DBT: Why Being Heard Matters
At Skyland Trail, our Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) community provides a safe and supportive space for clients to learn skills for coping with life’s challenges. Led by Andrea Schklar, LCSW, our residential DBT program in Atlanta supports individuals living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), emotional dysregulation, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. At the heart of this work is validation—meeting each person with understanding and acceptance as they begin to heal. Learn how validation is a pivotal part of providing support to individuals with mental illness.
The Power of Validation in DBT
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is built around the idea of holding two seemingly opposing truths at the same time. For example: “I hate being in treatment” and “I know I need treatment.” Both statements can be true, even though they appear to contradict each other. This balance—the ability to recognize and honor both perspectives—is at the heart of DBT, and it’s also the foundation for one of its most important practices: validation.
What Is Validation?
Validation is more than simply nodding along or saying, “I understand.” It’s the practice of listening deeply, reflecting back what someone is sharing, and acknowledging the emotional truth behind their words.
At its core, validation communicates: “Your feelings make sense, and they matter.”
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with every fact or belief expressed. Instead, it means recognizing the emotions that are real for the person in front of you. Validation helps strengthen relationships, build trust, and create a space where genuine change can happen.
The Levels of Validation
1. Listening
The most basic form of validation is simply listening—truly being present with another person without interrupting, correcting, or jumping ahead to solutions.
2. Identifying the Emotion
Often, people share their experiences in ways that sound factual but are really expressions of deeper feelings. For instance:
“This is horrible. I don’t want to be here. Nobody likes me.”
Rather than debating whether “nobody” likes them, focus on the emotions underneath. Are they feeling scared? Sad? Hopeless? A validating response might be:
“It sounds like this feels really overwhelming and lonely for you. I can understand how scary that must be.”
This approach honors the emotional truth, which is always valid, even if the facts aren’t.
3. Radical Genuineness
At the highest level, validation is about meeting someone as an equal. DBT calls this radical genuineness. It means avoiding the trap of “one-upping” or “one-downing,” and instead relating with honesty, openness, and vulnerability. It’s about showing up authentically, without treating the other person as fragile or incapable.
What Validation Is Not
It’s important to clarify what validation does not mean:
- It’s not reinforcing beliefs or behaviors that are untrue or harmful.
- It’s not pretending to agree with something you don’t believe.
- It’s not about offering solutions or quick fixes.
Sometimes, in an effort to show support, people over-validate inaccurate statements. While well-intentioned, this can create confusion or even erode trust over time. True validation focuses on feelings, not on uncritically endorsing every detail.
Responding to “You’re Not Validating Me”
It’s common in relationships for someone to say, “You’re not validating me.” Instead of defensively replying, “Yes I am!”—which can actually feel invalidating—try asking:
“What would you like me to validate right now?”
This approach opens the door to clarity, invites honesty, and ensures the response is both genuine and respectful.
Why Validation Matters for Change
Validation is not about keeping people stuck—it’s about creating the safety they need to grow. When individuals feel seen and understood, they’re more likely to move toward positive change. Without validation, progress is often slower or doesn’t happen at all.
Even if you don’t agree with a loved one’s behaviors, validating their current emotions lays the groundwork for lasting transformation. Change begins with being heard.
Watch The Importance of Validation for Mental Health with Andrea Schklar, LCSW.
Learn more about our adult DBT treatment program.