Parenting Through Big Emotions: What DBT Can Teach Families About Resilience, Validation, and Connection

What is DBT?

Dialectical behavioral therapy is: ​Evidence- based psychotherapy for children, adolescents, and adults​. DBT is developed from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The focus is on balancing acceptance of self AND strategies for positive change = Dialectic (two things can be true at the same time!)​

DBT can help people: ​

  • Manage intense emotions ​
  • Reduce high-risk behaviors​
  • Improve relationships

The Biosocial Model Can Help Us Understand…

  • The impact of an individual’s biology and environment on the development of mental illness and emotional sensitivity ​
  • The role of an invalidating environment: How an individual learns to experience their emotions, often guided by mistrust of their own emotions

The Biological Component:​

  • Predisposition to “emotional vulnerability”​
  • More frequent and intense emotions and reactions​
  • Impulsivity and more immediate reactions to emotional responses​
  • High sensitivity to emotional stimuli​
  • More extreme and long-lasting emotional reactions which dysregulate cognitive processing

The Environmental Component:

  • More frequent and intense emotions and reactions​
  • Not being taught skills to manage intense emotions​
  • Dismissing behavior independent of the validity of that behavior​
  • Negating emotions, beliefs or behaviors that don’t make sense to the caregiver (i.e. you shouldn’t feel that way, that’s a stupid way to think)​
  • Intermittent reinforcement of escalated emotional responses and displays (giving negative attention to tantrums/explosions etc.)​
  • Over-simplification of problem solving and meeting goals (i.e. just stop crying)​
  • Pathologizing developmentally normal responses, interests, thoughts, beliefs, desires

There is a BIOLOGICAL and ENVIRONMENTAL component. This explains why children seem different from us in ways we don’t understand. There are things we can do to help them by changing their environment.

The Four Core DBT Modules

1. Mindfulness

Being aware of the present moment without judgment. It helps you identify what you are currently feeling and acknowledge what is helpful and what is harmful.

Mindfulness Skills:

  • Observing: Simply observe your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without having a reaction.​
  • Describing: Use words to describe your experience.
  • Participating: Throw yourself into each experience—stay in the “NOW.”​ Become one with whatever you are doing, completely forgetting yourself.

Practicing Mindfulness Through The Senses>>

2. Distress Tolerance

Getting through crisis situations without making things worse and accepting reality as it is. Endure difficult moments without resorting to impulsive or harmful behaviors.

Distress tolerance skills help to cope with and tolerate intense emotional distress, pain, and crisis situations. Survive a Crisis Situation with DBT Distress Tolerance Skills>>

3. Emotion Regulation

Understanding and reducing vulnerability to emotions.

Emotion Regulation Skills:

ABC Skills​: Accumulate Positive Emotions​, Build Mastery​, Cope Ahead​

PLEASE Skills: ​Treat PhysicaL Health​, Balance Eating​, Avoid Mood Altering Drugs​, Balance Sleep​, Get Exercise

The Role of Emotion Regulation in DBT>>

When you experience strong emotions in reaction to a person or situation:​

  • Check to make sure your view of and feelings about the problem are accurate.​
  • If your perspective is in fact the truth, then you Problem Solve.​
  • If there are other possibilities for what the problem actually is, then you continue to check the facts and use Opposite Action.

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness

Getting interpersonal objectives met, maintaining relationships, and  increasing self-respect in relationships.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: ​

GIVE Skills:​

GIVE -​ Be Gentle​, Act Interested​, Validate​, Use an Easy Manner​

Learn more about GIVE skills>>

DEAR MAN Skills:​

Describe​, Express​, Assert​, Reinforce/Reward​, Be Mindful​, Appear Confident​, Negotiate

Learn more about DEAR MAN skills>>

DBT Parenting Strategies for Change

1. Validation

Verbal: Using words to acknowledge and accept someone’s feelings and experiences​. 

  • Reflecting Feelings: Actively listening and accurately reflecting back what the person is expressing emotionally.
  • Acknowledging Perspectives: Validating the person’s viewpoint and experiences without judgment, even if you disagree.​
  • “I” Statements: Sharing your observations and understanding of the situation from your perspective.

Functional: Taking action to demonstrate understanding and support beyond just verbal communication – essentially putting words into practice.​

  • Taking Action: Following up verbal validation with concrete actions to support the person, like offering practical help, adjusting plans to accommodate their needs, or simply being present and attentive.
  • Non-verbal Cues: Using body language like eye contact, nodding, and a supportive tone to show you are listening and engaged. Small actions that demonstrate understanding and care, like offering a hug, a comforting touch, or a thoughtful gesture. ​​

2. Reinforcement

Reinforcement can increase the likelihood of a desired behavior​

Positive reinforcement:​

  • Praising someone for doing something well​
  • Giving yourself a reward for completing a goal

Negative reinforcement: ​

  • Taking away an unpleasant consequence after a desired behavior​
  • Buckling your seat belt to stop the beeping sound​

3. Shaping

Shaping can break down complex behaviors into smaller steps and reinforce each step

  1. Identify the target behavior
  2. Break down the behavior
  3. Reinforce each step
  4. Gradually increase the difficulty
  5. Stop reinforcing the initial behavior

4. Boundaries & Consequences

Consequences are a natural part of setting boundaries and observing limits.​ DBT encourages people to be mindful of their limitations and the limitations of others. 

How does DBT use consequences?

  • Allow natural consequences​
  • Communicate consequences​
  • Consider the other person’s needs​
  • Balance priorities

Why set boundaries?

  • Setting boundaries can help people maintain their inner peace and self-respect. ​
  • Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when others don’t respond as expected. 

Parenting comes with a unique set of challenges and handling big emotions can be overwhelming. Knowing how to recognize distress and implement DBT skills can create a more stable environment and help build emotional resilience in your child.

For more parenting skills support, including webinars and outpatients groups, click here>>